


The Boy Who Befuddled The Sorting Hat

by waddiwasiwitch



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Hogwarts AU, Team Mustang - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waddiwasiwitch/pseuds/waddiwasiwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: What happens when you take a bunch of FMA characters and toss them into a Hogwarts Au! It’s a new chapter for Hogwarts, and a boy arrives to throw out all is generally accepted about putting eleven year olds in boxes. Crack fic ahoy!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boy Who Befuddled The Sorting Hat

**Author's Note:**

> BEWARE CRACK FIC
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters belong either to Arakawa or Rowling. I bow before their greatness. I am but a speck of dirt on their shoes.
> 
> Thanks to my brother who presented me with this challenge. Thanks bro!  
> Also a big thank you to littlelizardlady and onehundredpercenthouses on Tumblr who helped me sort Breda.

************  


  
**The Boy Who Befuddled The Sorting Hat**

The black haired boy and the fair haired girl rushed through the station. The boy pushed a trolley with two trunks and he looked about frantically searching for something.  
He came to a complete stop. “Platform 9 and 3/4s? I see Platform 9 and platform 10. Where the hell is it?”  
“Roy,” the girl whispered, “ my father told me you have to run at the pillar between 9 and 10. It’s a secret platform, so the non-magical can’t see it.”  
“You’re joking right?”  
She shook her head.  
“Maybe it’s his idea of a joke?” The boy named Roy scratched his head and looked at her hopefully from under his mop of messy black hair.  
“You know my father doesn’t joke about anything,” she said.  
Roy looked at the sad smile on her face. The bastard couldn’t even drop them to King’s Cross Station. They had to get a train that morning, and delays along the line meant that they were cutting it fine to get to the school train on time. He might be a good teacher, but he was a sorry excuse for a father.  
“Riza-“ he began.  
She shook her head. “It’s fine. I’m used to it.”  
Roy was about to interject when Riza pointed. Roy followed her gaze to a tall blonde girl walking straight at the barrier accompanied by a large equally blond boy. The pair disappeared and Roy blinked.  
He looked at Riza raising an eyebrow. What the hell?  
“Let’s go!” Riza strode forward purposefully. “We just need to walk right at it!”  
She stopped after a few paces when she realised that Roy wasn’t following her. “Come on Roy!”  
He took a deep breath and followed pushing the trolley. She walked right at the platform barrier, and Roy almost expected her to hit the barrier but she disappeared into the wall.  
Well, here it goes.  
He shut his eyes, pushed the trolley into the wall and sure enough the trolley disappeared into thin air too. His eyes still closed, he took a step forward.  
When he opened them again, a red steam engine gleamed in front of him. The Hogwarts Express.  
Riza tugged his arm. “You alright, Roy?”  
Looking at his best friend settled the butterflies in his stomach. They were entering a brand new world, but they were doing so together. Her face showed none of his ill ease, and he envied her that calm.  
She had grown up aware of the magical world, though her father stayed in the Muggle world mainly. Roy, on the other hand, had known nothing of it until strange things had started to happen. Magical things, magical fiery things. These were things that couldn’t be explained by logic or science.  
Having lost his parents when he was a toddler, his aunt Chris realised that he had inherited more than his appearance from his mother, and one of her contacts introduced her to a wizard who specialised in helping Muggleborn children learn how to manage accidental magic. And so, Roy had gone to live with Mr Hawkeye and his daughter for several months and his life had changed forever.  
Roy looked around the platform. There were the strangest assortment of people present in cloaks of various hues. The cacophony of voices was punctuated by the occasional screech of an owl and Roy felt like he had stepped into one of Riza wizarding story books.  
Riza bumped his shoulder with hers. “Quit starring, it’s rude.”  
Roy ignored her instruction, his dark eyes gleaming. “Riza, it’s true. Is this real?”  
She raised an eyebrow as if to say “No shit, Sherlock.” But then Riza was rarely that crude, but being brought up in a bar meant that Roy, on the other hand, swore like a sailor and it got him in trouble from time to time.  
“You’re an idiot,” Riza said. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”  
He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “It’s amazing. Riza, I’m a wizard!”  
She smiled at him but let go of his hand, “Come on or we’ll miss the train.”  
“I wasn’t the one who forgot something,” he muttered.  
“That was your fault,” she reminded him.  
He consoled himself by sticking out his tongue even if she couldn’t see him. Still, she was right; they needed to hurry.  
The sound of a whistle indicated the train’s impending departure.

***********

The pair entered the train and Roy carried the two trunks. They hurried down the corridors, peering into the compartments as they passed. It was not until the train started to move that they finally found a compartment that had enough room for two more occupants. Two other boys and a girl sat in the compartment. Two of the boys were playing cards, while the other boy sat close to the girl.  
Riza opened the door to the compartment. “Can we sit here?”  
“Come on in, there’s plenty of room.” One of the boys smiled broadly.  
He looked like he was a few years older and he was already wearing the full Hogwarts uniform.  
Riza nodded and took a seat. Roy pushed her trunk up into the luggage rack.  
A fair haired boy with a lopsided smile and a candy cigarette in his mouth took the other trunk and eased it up.  
“Thanks!” Roy took a seat next to Riza.  
“I’m Maes Hughes,” said the dark haired boy who had welcomed them to the compartment, “I take it you’re First Years.”  
His green eyes shone with mirth beneath his glasses. Roy wondered if the boy was laughing at him.  
“Yes – we are.” He feigned a confidence he didn’t feel and sat up straight. “My name is Roy Mustang and this is Riza Hawkeye.”  
“Pleased to meet you!” Hughes put his arm around his female companion, “This is my lovely girlfriend Gracia.”  
She blushed and thumped Maes on the arm before turned back to Roy and Riza. “Nice to meet you both. Maes and I are Third Years, but the other two boys will be in your year.”  
Riza nodded. “Pleasure to meet you.”  
There was a cough from the tall blonde hair boy in the corner. Roy turned around and the boy was beaming.  
“Jean Havoc’s the name. And that rough oaf over there is Heymans Breda.”  
Breda gave Havoc an obscene gesture before returning his attention to Riza and Roy. “Sorry about him.”  
“Wonder where you’ll be sorted?” Hughes asked.  
Riza had told Roy all about how there were four different Houses at Hogwarts: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin.  
“Where were your family sorted?” Havoc asked.  
Roy shrugged his shoulders. “Only my mother was magical, but my parents both died when I was very young. I was brought up by my aunt.”  
“I’m sorry.” Havoc turned red.  
Roy averted his eyes not wanted to meet their sympathetic gazes. “It was a long time ago and I barely remember them.”  
Sensing her friend’s unease, Riza spoke up, “What about you, Havoc?”  
“I dunno, my family’s been Gryffindor but we have Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the family tree.”  
“I don’t care where I’m sorted as long as I’m near the kitchens,” Breda added.  
“What House was your dad in, Riza?” Roy asked.  
“Ravenclaw, I think. I’ll probably be sorted there.”  
Gracia smiled at Riza. “If you are, you can come to me for the unauthorised tour. There are some handy things to know that the Prefects don’t tell you.”  
Hughes looked adoringly at Gracia. “My lovely Gracia, always so kind and caring.”  
Riza tried to suppress a smile, but Roy didn’t bother to hide his eye roll. This guy was insane. Did he ever stop bragging about his girlfriend? She seemed nice, but still she must be as mental as he was to put up with him.  
Havoc chewed on his candy cigarette and looked thoughtfully at Gracia and Hughes. “You’re in different Houses. Is that difficult?”  
The couple looked at one another. For the first time Roy noticed that Hughes was wearing a green and silver Slytherin tie and Gracia was in the colours of Ravenclaw.  
“So what?” Roy shrugged. “Why would that be a big deal?”  
“It’s frowned upon to mix outside your houses,” Riza explained.  
“But that’s stupid.” Roy shook his head. “Ludicrous even.”  
“My don’t you use big words.” Hughes winked. “It’s true, some people don’t like the idea, but I wouldn’t give up my Gracia for anything. It could be worse. Gryffindor and Slytherin have a real rivalry going.”  
Havoc turned to Roy. “Better hope you and your girl end up in the same House, huh?”  
“She’s not my girl.”  
“I’m not his girl!”  
“Is that so?” Hughes jabbed Roy in the chest. “I’m sorry to hear that. Love makes the world go around.” Roy starred at him, mouth agape and blushing furiously.  
Hughes either oblivious or enjoying the younger boy’s discomfort continued, “Mustang, don’t you even think about trying to steal my darling Gracia from me.” He looked around. “Same warning goes to all of you.”  
“Ignore him,” said Gracia.  
Roy certainly intended to. Fate, however, disagreed.

**********

“Mustang, Roy.”  
Roy walked up the stool. The walk felt like it went on forever. Riza had been sorted into Ravenclaw as she had predicted while Havoc had gone to Gryffindor and Breda to Hufflepuff. It didn’t matter though, he didn’t need a frayed old hat to tell him who his friends were. He could decide his friends for himself.  
The stern looking woman with a severe bun popped the Sorting Hat on his head.  
Roy jumped when the Hat spoke in his head. “Hmm – interesting. Lots of talent.”  
He starred at Riza at the Ravenclaw table and wondered if he would be joining her or would he be sent elsewhere.  
“Hmm,” said the Hat. “What to do with you?”  
“I don’t have all day,” Roy muttered.  
Roy’s hand felt sweaty and he rubbed them off his robe. The Hat normally didn’t take this long to sort students or maybe it was simply because he was the one up here with the whole school watching. The Hat continued to “um” and “hmm”.  
Oh no- I’m going to have to turn around and leave. God – I can’t go back to Aunt Chris without making her proud. I told her I was going to show those pure bloods that I could just as good if not better than them. What am I doing?  
“Hey hat, just sort me already!”  
The Hat ignored him but spoke again, “I can see wisdom in here. Oh yes! Fine intelligence but also a fierce loyalty to your friends. Then you’re ambitious too, I can see it all in your head. You could be great and Slytherin would help you on the way to greatness. I’ve no doubt about that. Still, you’re also brave and a little bit reckless with an overdeveloped sense of right and wrong.”  
“Hey!”  
“Young man, I haven’t had as much trouble sorting a student in many years.” The Hat sounded positively gleeful.  
Roy could feel his face brighten. Students were whispering behind their hands, some looked amused and others bored. The odd laugh broke the silence followed by a hush from one of the teachers or prefects.  
“Ravenpuff!” announced the Hat to the room.  
Roy’s relief was short lived. What? That’s not a House.  
“Gyrfferin!”  
There were giggles from all of the four student tables. The Prefects didn’t even bother to try and silence the other students.  
“Huffenclaw!”  
The teachers were fighting a losing battle against twitching lips.  
“Slytherdor!”  
Roy put his face in his hands. “And this is the lunatic they have sorting us!”  
“Don’t get fresh with me, boy,” said the Hat. “This is all your fault, you know. Poking around your head is a hazardous job.”  
“I don’’t care where you put me, but please just sort me.”  
“Don’t worry,” whispered the Hat. “Better be Slytherin!” it bellowed. There was a collective sigh from the silver and green table before a polite applause. After all, who’d want a student that was so hard to sort.

********

After a delicious dinner, Roy was stuffed. He could sense the impatience among the student body for the Headmaster’s speech to finally come to an end. Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster, was even more eccentric than Mr Hawkeye and Roy was barely listening. He was starting to believe that all wizards and witches were nuts especially when the man starting talking about forbidden floors and dying most painful deaths.  
As soon as the man sat down, the Prefects called for the First Years to follow. Roy slipped away when he caught a glimpse of Riza lined up with her fellow Ravenclaws.  
“What do you think you’re doing?” A tall, blonde haired girl with a badge with the letters “H.G.” on her chest stepped in front of him. She placed her hand on his shoulder. “Do as your Prefect tells you.”  
“I’m going to go and say goodnight to my friend.” He pointed at Riza in the Ravenclaw colours.  
“You’ll find new friends in Slytherin, she’s no longer your friend. Your house is like your family; it always come first.”  
“Well I don’t know a lot about family having lost both of my parents when I was young.”  
The girl raised an eyebrow. “Well whoever raised you clearly didn’t do a good job.”  
“Sister, what is going on here?” An enormous boy appeared at her side.  
The girl glared at him, “Alex, this little cretin is shooting his mouth off.”  
Roy let out a sigh. “I just want to say good night to my friend but she’s in Ravenclaw.”  
“I am all for Inter House relations. Sister, let the boy say goodbye to his friend.”  
The girl simply glared at her brother. Roy turned his attention to the procession of the Ravenclaw First Years exiting the door of the Great Hall. Riza waved at him over her shoulder.  
‘It’s too late,” he said with a sigh.  
He went to go back to the Slytherin First Years.  
“You!”  
He rolled his eyes but he turned around to face the bossy girl again.  
“What’s your name?” She demanded.  
“Roy Mustang.”  
“Well, Mustang, you should be proud because you’ve just lost ten points on your first day as a Slytherin.”  
Roy’s mouth dropped open. “I just wanted to say good night to my friend. That’s not fair.”  
“Life’s not fair, kid. You’ll learn that soon enough. Besides, you’re not losing points for saying goodbye to your friend.” She scrunched her nose with obvious distaste. “It’s for disobeying your superiors. Only the strong will survive in Slytherin, and the weak will getting devoured alive.”  
Roy scowled. It anyone tried to devour him, he was determined that they would choke on him.  
“Hey Miles,” the girl called.  
A Slytherin Prefect with a long silver hair turned around. “Yes, Armstrong.”  
She propelled Roy forward, causing him to almost fall. “You’ve lost one of your First Years! He’s a little slow on how it works around here.”  
The boy named Miles pulled Roy by the collar. “Pissing off the Head Girl on the first day is really stupid.”  
“Oh and Miles,” Armstrong added, “he’s already lost our House ten points, so I trust that you will ensure that he learns his lesson.”  
Roy clenched his fists, but joined the back of the line of Slytherin First Years.  
“Learn to pick your battles, Mustang.” Miles gave him one last glare before turning his back. “Come along and I take you to your dorm.”  
A girl with curly black hair was standing in front of him.  
She looked over her shoulder. “You’re an idiot going up against Olivier Armstrong like that.”  
Roy shrugged his shoulders. “So, she’s Head Girl, right?”  
The girl stopped and grabbed Roy by the arm so that he was walking beside her.  
“She’s an Armstrong,” she hissed. “One of the most famous pure blood families. They almost have the Malfoys beaten for money.”  
“I don’t care much about money. You have to earn respect, that’s what my aunt taught me.”  
“You’re even more of an imbecile than I thought.” Still, she extended her hand, “I’m Rebecca Catalina.”  
Roy took her hand. “Roy Mustang.”  
“Roy – you might be a dumbass, but you’re a Slytherin and it’s important to have allies within the House. So that makes us friends now.”  
The girl had insulted him three times in as many minutes, and now she wanted to be friends!  
“I suppose.”  
“Just don’t ruin any chance I have of netting an Armstrong,” she said with a wink.  
What on earth was he letting himself in for?

  
The First Years arrived into the Slytherin Common Room. For the Dungeons, it was quite cosy. There were a large number of Slytherins gathered in the circular room forming a ring around the newcomers. It reminded Roy a little of one of those scenes from a nature documentary, with the pack of lions circling their prey.  
He gulped and Rebecca tugged on his arm. “Keep your head held high, they are looking for fear.”  
“First Years, say hello to your upperclass men,” Miles said. “We, here in Slytherin House, believe in obeying your upperclass men, so do as they tell you. If you have a complaint as to how you are being treated, speak to one of your Prefects.”  
He looked expectantly at the First Years, “Come on say hello.”  
“Hello,” the nine newcomers chorused.  
Roy rolled his eyes. This is so stupid. I wonder if Riza is being subjected to the same insanity.  
“We’re not performing monkeys,” he hissed to Rebecca.  
Roy jumped when he got a clap on the shoulder.  
Miles grinned toothily at him. “Mr Mustang here has done something no Slytherin has ever managed. He lost us ten points at the Sorting. Professor Snape’s going to be ever so pleased.”  
Rebecca took a step away from Roy and put her nose in the air. It looked like he lost the only friend he had in this place. The stares of curiosity from upperclass men had turned into disgust. Roy sighed deeply and clenched his fists. This was Olivier Armstrong’s fault.  
“Hey Mustang!”  
Roy turned around to see Hughes waving at him.  
Hughes quickly pushed forward through the crowd. “News travels fast. I heard all about your blow up with the Head Girl. You’ve got big balls, that’s for sure.”  
Rebecca crossed her arms and tutted beside him. “Sawdust in his head more like.”  
“Talking to me again?” Roy asked.  
“I’m not talking to you. I’m talking about you.”  
“Well, you just talked to me now.”  
She snorted and turned her back on them both.  
Hughes chuckled and slapped Roy on the back. “I like her. I think this year is going to be exciting!”  
Roy starred at the older boy. He just couldn’t make him out.  
“You’ll get to like it here, Mustang.” He put his arm around Roy’s shoulders. “It’s not so bad, you know. In a couple of days, you’ll be laughing about this.”  
“I don’t know about that,” Roy said darkly. “But I’m going to learn to play the game. And someday, I’m going to get to the top and destroy this House system once and for all. And if I can wipe the smug expression off Olivier Armstrong’s face, all the better!” 

**The end**


End file.
